Dark Hallways and Light

I feel like I am walking down this long narrow dark hall alone. There is a tiny tiny spec of light that I am gravitated towards. I hear weeping and soft voices both inspiring me to keep walking and some whispering me to just give up that all my efforts are wasted time. I know there are so many like myself who through no fault of their own lost someone or something they thought would be around a lot longer and are now trying to get back to normal. There is some unspoken scale of grief even variating degrees of empathy from loved ones depending on whom or what was taken. In my mind and heart a loss is a loss.

  This long dark hall with the spec of light is not at all where I thought I would be and there have been many times where I did sit down and contemplate giving up. I go through waves of putting my whole self into trying to obtain the bare basics then sometimes I sit down and pray that fate will take over and bring what I need to me. It gets extremely hard sometimes because the thing I lost some people feel I should have easily been able to go out and get, I thought so too and it drives me bat crazy that I can’t as of yet. The person who has had a hold on me and is no longer around is still alive but the entire dynamic of his presence has changed and I am no longer the center of his attention and I no longer have any control of when I get to chat with him. He had pulled away years ago but I haven’t accepted it and that too comes in waves. I know it’s not healthy to hang onto something or someone that is no longer. My mind knows it’s over and that I need to take my hands off and seek someone more for filling but the child in me or that sticky part of my heart wants or thinks that things can turn around to my favor.

  There are days that the hall gets more narrow and darker and I don’t see that spec of light and all I have is myself to lean on but I do have long periods of where even when there are no prospects for a position, no responses or even a chance of getting a chance to interact with that fading connection; the corridor is more spacious and filled with light. It may not be blinding light but light is light.