Mother and Child Re-Union

My mom died when I was very young, five years old, so to be honest I don’t have any of my memories of her. I do have a couple fractured ones but pretty much I don’t have any of my own. I don’t know, well I can guess that due to the intensity and gut wrenching emotions that followed her passing that I was probably shielded somehow or my mind blocked it out. I have absolutely no memory of that time.  I do have bits and pieces of being at my sister’s wedding which the only thing I recall from that on my own is that the shoes I wore hurt my feet and I was uncomfortable.

  I imagine I asked all the time where my mom was. She was a registered nurse who loved her job as much as her family and when she diagnosed with colon cancer she spent a lot of time in the hospital in and out so I did kind of cling to her when she was around. When she passed I was most likely told she was working or something that’s when things got blacked out for me. When I got a little bit older the concept of my mom being in Heaven with God started to sink in and what that meant. I couldn’t see or feel either one I think because I was too hurt and angry. I was angry at my mom for dying and really pissed off at God for allowing it, that’s probably when I seared or tried to sear my emotions off. Didn’t matter how much I missed her or wanted her back or how heavily grieved everyone else was, she was not coming back.

  Although my sister filled in here and there, I bonded closely with her, and grandmother and aunts pitched in, it wasn’t the same. I grew up without a mother and because I was so young when she passed I didn’t have the trunk full of memories that my older siblings have or the rest of the family that were old enough. I did learn about my mom as I got older and still hear things about her but I feel sometimes like I’m still disconnected. I’m no longer angry at her for leaving me but I don’t have that mother child bond that the rest of my siblings have or what I see plastered on Face Book daily.

   I think maybe because of that emotional matrix that happened where I blanked out then seared myself off that I was able to handle death differently. I was and still am the one at wakes and funerals not sobbing or in an emotional mess, feeling awkward and Spock like. I may not cry at these events but I do get deeply saddened, I can understand and feel for some reason I just don’t cry. Perhaps that goes back to my mom’s death, a piece of me died with her and in order for me to live out my life and not totally lose it I stop myself or maybe my mind prevents me from recalling that period of time; too painful to want to recall.

   I had a mom for five years and no matter how you spin this or how I perceive it she will always be my mother even though I have no flowery memories. I was given spiritual tools and everything I needed to handle her passing, I just didn’t know it. For me personally, I don’t ache or mourn her death anymore; when I die I will get to re-meet her. She has got some make up hugging to do, lol.