Dragons and Roses

I have learned over the past couple of years that life and love and is not always fair, I always knew that but I have been caught up in it. The scales tip in our favor temporarily and not always in the area in which we feel they should. I have seen and heard people gather attention and network and are able to draw what they need while others with a need gravel and fight for whatever scraps of acknowledgement  they can stir up. For the longest time my direction was offset by watching other people’s progress and there was a part of me that would twist and turn inside because doors were opening for them and not me. I was getting cheers and support but not from the people I thought I should and that was messing me up inside.

  I have had to contort myself to try to meet standards both professionally and socially, though two separate entities, they do relate to each other in many ways. I have gone through a series of building myself up then breaking myself down, I think I have always done that throughout my life but have done it more over the past couple of years. I have read both in book and via the internet that breaking it all down and re-inventing yourself is a good thing; it encourages growth.

 I do enjoy being able to figure out something that has been an enigma for me on my own. I try and try and try then I fake myself into giving up and step away from it because it becomes too consuming. When I least expect it BAM! It comes to me. I don’t plaster my victory all over social media, I quietly do mental cartwheels and share it later personally with select people. My little accomplishments, though many both young and old alike perhaps conquered long time ago, mean the world to me and I grind my teeth at people who try to soften my thunder by alerting me that I am not the only one. It is a good thing to keep in mind though that I am not the only one, it keeps my from floating away but it is also important that I give myself credit and a pat on the back for my accomplishments and not always seek approval from those I feel the need to please or impress.

 Being strong minded and strong willed can easily be misconstrued as being inflexible. I understand the misconception but what I do have a hard time with is why it’s a positive good thing for some but looked down on for others. Where I am right now, I am trying to re-wire my mind into a more positive outlook. I am not trying to melt myself down to blend into everyone’s mindset but to embrace who I am without fire escaping from my mouth every time I go to speak. There are reasons and excuses behind the fire but at the end of the day all people see and feel is the fire so now I carry around with me a personal mental fire extinguisher I spray myself with during times of adversity. I have also tattooed on my mind and spirit that in between those thorns that people often are too quick to point out, there’s a beautiful scented flower, sometimes budding sometimes in full bloom.