Re-Wiring The Mind


The New Year is six days old, I don’t know, to me it still looks and feels likes 2014 even like 2013. Yes, I did avoid making the usual resolutions only because I don’t need to set myself up for more disappointment when I don’t succeed. I was on the “eat better healthier do more moving” goal long before the Holidays rolled in and distracted me.  I entered last year with two major losses in my life in 2013; my job which I am still in survival mode and the death of my dad. Neither of those were a total shock although I have to admit the loss of my job knocked me off my feet more.  My dad was 93 and his health was declining rapidly; I guess in retrospect so was my job I just thought I would be the last to go not the first round.

  Along with a series of interviews that went nowhere I was blessed with a financial easement so I would not have to fight for a grunt job and gave me the opportunity and courage to write a book and get it published. It only took me 53 years, a job loss and the passing of my dad to do it. The book went as well as my interviews, I did from the sales profit get to treat myself to a nice dinner but nothing to bank a career out of.

   Not too many people get to spin something devastating that happens to them into something positive. Not everyone gets the time to figure out that some things that get taken away are meant to better us not send us back out with bitterness or hardship. I feel blessed that I got the spiritual encouragement to pursue a long time desire but I am far from doing cartwheels and back flips over my life. I often wonder if accomplished individuals that get everything they want and need, are they doing back flips. Are they conscious of how fortunate they are or are they locked in a cycle of wanting more and more because that is what money and power transcribes in our mind?

    Outside of publishing a story and reconciling some hurts and fears, (so I though), I didn’t end up with any kind of employment and I didn’t restore a virtual friendship I had hopes of resurrecting. For me 2014 was a series of getting my hopes raised then brought back to reality. People pay outrageous money at Disney World to go on such a ride; extreme highs and lows, rapid speeds through darkness to end up right back where you were at the beginning with a queasy stomach; I got to go through all that and still am for free. I will admit though that I have met some pretty interesting people in line waiting for another ride through hell. Maybe that is online, LOL.

    My first job interview of 2015 held a glimmer of promise before and during. It was a few miles up the street and it emphasized training. I sounded positive and eager and thought for sure I was a leading candidate since what they were asking for I had some years of experience. Two hours well less than that I was emailed a rejection letter, some bullshit explanation that they felt I lived too far away. I am 3.5 miles away so that was bold face lie. I didn’t follow the ass kissing protocol for getting my foot in the door. I have on previous interviews but because I suck at lying my cover is blown and no job. I tried being me and showing interest and that didn’t work either. I was angrier than hurt reading that rejection letter only because I was told they would be making a decision the following week and they sent that line of bullshit about distance less two hours after leaving there. Oh well, not the most encouraging beginning of the New Year but I have to accept and adapt; my new motto. Perhaps the universe/God felt it wasn’t the right fit; their loss.

    I have no freakin’ idea where this New Year will place me and to enter a New Year without a goal, a plan or some kind of ambition is a prescription for disaster but so is setting high expectations. I am going to be more aware of how I treat myself, not be so hard on me and close the day with at least one positive thing I did, said or accomplished rather than list the negatives and camp out on them. Focusing on the negatives prevents positives. Yes, my two main agendas for this year is to nail a job down and clean house in my personal life to make room for some kind of life. So much easier said than done.

    I like most people get all puffed up and self -righteous when I throw or leave behind a behavior or someone but then find myself paralyzed feeling naked because I no longer have that person around or get nowhere comfortable behavior end up being stuck again. I do for this year want to slowly re-program my thinking and get over those mental hurdles.

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