Silent Killer
I fought for a bit on whether to write this. I had last year posted a piece on depression because I was going through a slip of it. When I like most of you heard of Robin Williams death due to suicide my heart grew heavy. I have no real connection to him, he was a great comedian and actor but I guess because he was afflicted with depression and followed the voice and gave up; it hit home.
We think money and fame can protect us from such an affliction or that our position and likability can ward off addictions and inner demons. When someone like Robin Williams dies to suicide it's then we realize, it's then we wake up and take notice that there are a lot of people who have been in that position and gave up the fight and so much more that dance with the depression demons off and on. I was in my early twenties plotting and flirting with the possibilities of taking my own life. I was that low in my life and that fact I kept fantasizing about my death scared me and I went and got help. I wasn't put on drug therapy and when both myself and my therapist felt I was in a good place I thought back then I was free and clear from ever having such dark thoughts. My life did change in a few ways for the better so it was easy to say no to dancing with demons. I wasn't giddy happy but I wasn't depression's bitch anymore either.
As with most people I fell into short periods of sadness when a friendship or relationship ended or when someone I cared about died. To me it was normal and after a good cry or two and some sugary treats I snapped out of it and acted like life was good. I have since I lost my job over a year ago have had to deal with trying to find a job along with having to end a friendship and mourn the close of a friendship I had hoped to last longer and the death of my dad so like depression is no stranger to me. Much like a functional alcoholic that can pass off his illness and do what needs to be done and fool a lot of people I consider myself a functional depressive. I am not always dark, I like to laugh and make others laugh but I do have my bouts where I feel like my head is being held under water and I get tired of trying to be happy and jolly when life around me is daggers and thorns. I'm a fighter and stubborn and the last thing I want is for the devil to win so as long as I have breath in my lungs I will fight and I believe I can win.
I believe now that some people are born into a path that sets them up with addictions and afflictions and some are meant to get through it with grace and some, well some are not that strong and lose the battle. I struggled with posting this on face book because I don't want people treating me funny after reading this but I felt that writing something on here was cool. I get the express my heart and spill a confession. Yes, Robin Williams death bothers me because he gave up. He will be missed
We think money and fame can protect us from such an affliction or that our position and likability can ward off addictions and inner demons. When someone like Robin Williams dies to suicide it's then we realize, it's then we wake up and take notice that there are a lot of people who have been in that position and gave up the fight and so much more that dance with the depression demons off and on. I was in my early twenties plotting and flirting with the possibilities of taking my own life. I was that low in my life and that fact I kept fantasizing about my death scared me and I went and got help. I wasn't put on drug therapy and when both myself and my therapist felt I was in a good place I thought back then I was free and clear from ever having such dark thoughts. My life did change in a few ways for the better so it was easy to say no to dancing with demons. I wasn't giddy happy but I wasn't depression's bitch anymore either.
As with most people I fell into short periods of sadness when a friendship or relationship ended or when someone I cared about died. To me it was normal and after a good cry or two and some sugary treats I snapped out of it and acted like life was good. I have since I lost my job over a year ago have had to deal with trying to find a job along with having to end a friendship and mourn the close of a friendship I had hoped to last longer and the death of my dad so like depression is no stranger to me. Much like a functional alcoholic that can pass off his illness and do what needs to be done and fool a lot of people I consider myself a functional depressive. I am not always dark, I like to laugh and make others laugh but I do have my bouts where I feel like my head is being held under water and I get tired of trying to be happy and jolly when life around me is daggers and thorns. I'm a fighter and stubborn and the last thing I want is for the devil to win so as long as I have breath in my lungs I will fight and I believe I can win.
I believe now that some people are born into a path that sets them up with addictions and afflictions and some are meant to get through it with grace and some, well some are not that strong and lose the battle. I struggled with posting this on face book because I don't want people treating me funny after reading this but I felt that writing something on here was cool. I get the express my heart and spill a confession. Yes, Robin Williams death bothers me because he gave up. He will be missed