Guilt

Ah yes, here you are again. You always seem to show up after some disturbing event or when I do something or don’t do something I feel justified in doing or not doing. You get me to snap at people who might have true concern and defend some outrageous theories. Sometimes you step right in the way when I want something then I deny myself and consume my thoughts with what ever it was then after a long battle of denial I do it, take it, say it, eat ignore it, yell at it. I feel like I committed a crime and that the whole world is shaking their finger and judging me. Just when I start to find some kind of resolve, some hint of balance or acceptance , you quietly slip in and lay down beside me. Oh my God you are so annoying and no matter how hard I cry or drink or eat or exercise or sleep, smoke or watch tv, you are right on me, in me stealing my fucking peace. I have tried to ignore you, I even pretend to lean into you and let you wash over me and drown me. I know what you want me to do. I’m not ready to do it, not yet. I feel like if I suffer a little more that I will gain some sympathy and I will learn to live with you somehow because facing what I need to face seems so much more difficult than being your puppet. I will someday, not right now, summon up the strength and divorce you. You will be under my foot and I will be free.

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