On Pause
so now I am left in my mind, alone today. Lots of people around me,lots of people within a text a phone call email but everyone is pretty much wrapped up in their what evers to reach out and say hello. Normally my new years eve was filled with lots of chatter and laughter and today New Years day was a recovery from drinking and smoking too much but not this time. What or who I was hoping for didn't quite show up. There were no promises of an appearance or any kind of hint there would be; I assumed and hoped for like in past years to be surprised. No reach out, no contact and no effort, well I guess I was surprised but not pleasantly. I didn't wake up hung over or over tired like in past years but my heart was a bit ore heavier and my eyes not dry.
I am angry and hurt and disappointed, all valid feelings for what did and didn't take place but it was just a cap off for an entire year filled with loss and disappointments. Since I don't know the mindset of this no show person nor can I peek into their world I am left to believe this person has tired of me occupying their down time or life. I am forced to accept what I can not change. I am sad, i didn't want this friendship to close down. I felt a shift in the intensity decline and I came to terms with all that thinking yeah I need to stop making this person my reason for breathing. Stop the melt downs when there's no contact and stop hoping for anything more and I did. I got to a safe place where this person stopped being my addiction. I got to a place where I was ok with an occasional chat here and there but I never wanted to be faded out or let go. Like I said, I don't know what's going on in this persons life or in his mind and i could be over dramatizing everything , taking it all way too personally because I'm kinda in a needy way. I am often more impacted by what a person doesn't say or do than what they do say or do.
I am already 12 hours into the new year and I have cried, refrained from over stuffing my face, exercised while playing songs that either fed my anger or made me cry more but I was trying to bleed it out of my system. I did laundry, gave myself a pedicure, not normal New Years day activities but hey I'm not normal,lol. I have no freaking idea when or if I will hear from this person but I will be ready and in a better mindset if I do
I am angry and hurt and disappointed, all valid feelings for what did and didn't take place but it was just a cap off for an entire year filled with loss and disappointments. Since I don't know the mindset of this no show person nor can I peek into their world I am left to believe this person has tired of me occupying their down time or life. I am forced to accept what I can not change. I am sad, i didn't want this friendship to close down. I felt a shift in the intensity decline and I came to terms with all that thinking yeah I need to stop making this person my reason for breathing. Stop the melt downs when there's no contact and stop hoping for anything more and I did. I got to a safe place where this person stopped being my addiction. I got to a place where I was ok with an occasional chat here and there but I never wanted to be faded out or let go. Like I said, I don't know what's going on in this persons life or in his mind and i could be over dramatizing everything , taking it all way too personally because I'm kinda in a needy way. I am often more impacted by what a person doesn't say or do than what they do say or do.
I am already 12 hours into the new year and I have cried, refrained from over stuffing my face, exercised while playing songs that either fed my anger or made me cry more but I was trying to bleed it out of my system. I did laundry, gave myself a pedicure, not normal New Years day activities but hey I'm not normal,lol. I have no freaking idea when or if I will hear from this person but I will be ready and in a better mindset if I do