New Year on Deck
I am now above water, dog paddling around waiting for someone or something to come along to pull me in to dry turf. I know primarily everything boils down to timing and effort; when the window of opportunity opens my queue to forge ahead and reap the rewards should be very clear. Right now I have way too many question marks floating around on many decisions that I am not comfortable with but feel obligated to pursue.
On a purely personal level I pretty much know where things lay relationship wise. I’m not in one that is reality but I feel that chasing after any butterflies right now would bedazzle my sight and flight and I would get cozy with not furthering my growth. This is all after all not an up close view of a failing system or a thwarted surge to gain employment; although the two hold true it is not about all that. I am both spiritual and psychology aware that I was pulled from one place where I was comfortable but highly irritated to a long pass of time where I met up with various degrees of emotional and financial hardships. I was dealt way too many death cards meaning high end change which I did; loss of one and half jobs, a two month loss of any income, the loss of a friend of who I shared intense chats to where months upon months of no contact and the last installment of loss; my dad passing away days before my birthday.
I can definitely say that 2013 was all about loss and awakening. I have survived it all to a degree but I did go through a long stretch where I wasn’t stable and I wasn’t able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; my faith in God and people and any kind of understanding as to why I was going through this was gone. It was a scary time frame but once the system I swore failed me kicked in I was able to catch my breath again and able to touch my feet to ground.
Now that the three most losses have happened, I spent years fearing the lack of dwindling work would take down the company I was working for and that fear came to a reality then I feared for years that someone I adore would fade me out of a friendship I clung to, that too came to being and for more than ten years running the fear of my dad dying; I pretty much knew that would take place by his 94th birthday and it did. All of things I feared the most came to being all within the 2013 bubble. I am learning right quick not to ask ‘What’s next?”
I am settled with losing my job I have since revisited what is left for a crew there, all can fit comfortably in my galley kitchen so I feel blessed I am no longer there. My dad’s passing I am still handling, I am not a wreck over it but it does sadden me at times knowing that there is no more phone calls ending in I love you and no more hearing the same old stories. He’s not in some nursing home or in a hospital and this is not a dream he is no longer alive; where ever he is no longer here and no longer around to help me out. I will never hear I love you again from him, that saddens me. What gets me through all that is that I know he lived a long life and that he blazed his own paths and underneath that stubborn exterior he was highly sensitive and emotional and I see lots of him in me. I don’t need tons of pictures to remember him by they are all locked inside.
There were lots of things I was awakened to in 2013 I am grateful for and some not so much but what I take with me into the new year on deck is that I don’t cling to the past hoping it will carry me into the present or future and that my recent financial cushion don’t lead me into false security. I still need employment and I still need to be around people. I will carry my lessons not as a cross to bare but as gentle pushes to not waste any gifts and explore the possibilities.
On a purely personal level I pretty much know where things lay relationship wise. I’m not in one that is reality but I feel that chasing after any butterflies right now would bedazzle my sight and flight and I would get cozy with not furthering my growth. This is all after all not an up close view of a failing system or a thwarted surge to gain employment; although the two hold true it is not about all that. I am both spiritual and psychology aware that I was pulled from one place where I was comfortable but highly irritated to a long pass of time where I met up with various degrees of emotional and financial hardships. I was dealt way too many death cards meaning high end change which I did; loss of one and half jobs, a two month loss of any income, the loss of a friend of who I shared intense chats to where months upon months of no contact and the last installment of loss; my dad passing away days before my birthday.
I can definitely say that 2013 was all about loss and awakening. I have survived it all to a degree but I did go through a long stretch where I wasn’t stable and I wasn’t able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; my faith in God and people and any kind of understanding as to why I was going through this was gone. It was a scary time frame but once the system I swore failed me kicked in I was able to catch my breath again and able to touch my feet to ground.
Now that the three most losses have happened, I spent years fearing the lack of dwindling work would take down the company I was working for and that fear came to a reality then I feared for years that someone I adore would fade me out of a friendship I clung to, that too came to being and for more than ten years running the fear of my dad dying; I pretty much knew that would take place by his 94th birthday and it did. All of things I feared the most came to being all within the 2013 bubble. I am learning right quick not to ask ‘What’s next?”
I am settled with losing my job I have since revisited what is left for a crew there, all can fit comfortably in my galley kitchen so I feel blessed I am no longer there. My dad’s passing I am still handling, I am not a wreck over it but it does sadden me at times knowing that there is no more phone calls ending in I love you and no more hearing the same old stories. He’s not in some nursing home or in a hospital and this is not a dream he is no longer alive; where ever he is no longer here and no longer around to help me out. I will never hear I love you again from him, that saddens me. What gets me through all that is that I know he lived a long life and that he blazed his own paths and underneath that stubborn exterior he was highly sensitive and emotional and I see lots of him in me. I don’t need tons of pictures to remember him by they are all locked inside.
There were lots of things I was awakened to in 2013 I am grateful for and some not so much but what I take with me into the new year on deck is that I don’t cling to the past hoping it will carry me into the present or future and that my recent financial cushion don’t lead me into false security. I still need employment and I still need to be around people. I will carry my lessons not as a cross to bare but as gentle pushes to not waste any gifts and explore the possibilities.