Connection
I felt a selfish twinge run through me today as I text chatted with a friend. I had known for awhile that our friendship or bond had taken a hit or two along the way and we were headed in different ways. I can call 2013 a year of alternating changes because right from the change over 2012 to 2013 it was throwing out punches and curve balls that made my head spin. More to the point, all the changes made me sit down and look at me and my life through the advents and people making changes in their reality.
I have in the past rolled my eyes and giggled at others dreams and lofty goals trying hard to detour any kind of relocation of feelings or friendships. I think the harder I tried to keep them close or in my thought process the further away they slipped away. Now that I have come to terms with where I stand in their life, it saddens me because it is not where it was and will never be again. It is both alarming and awakening to have wrestled with conflicting feelings and now see things as they are not as I want them to be.
The selfish part folds in because I see people that once played a significant role in my life now slowly disconnecting from me and establishing foundation elsewhere and getting closer to falling into a position that pull them out of nowhere into somewhere and being happy. I see myself toiling and jumping through hoops of fire just to end up back where I am now. I see great things happening and doors opening for this friend but I don't feel that for me. I am somewhat envious but also excited for her.
As she rushed to tell the news it dawned on me that the people she had met earlier this year and the activities she was getting involved in was setting her up to eventually do what she had wanted to do for quite some time. I wanted to tell her how silly it all was but I couldn't this time. I realized that people always throw down the sensible card and crash other peoples dreams. I had done that in the past but because of all the changes from January til now in my life; it was no longer my business to try to hold her down or back,
The selfish part was hoping to hear some dirt either about the company or boyfriend and when she went on and on about her new activities I encouraged her to follow the dream then left. I didn't open the door more for her to express anymore. I felt sad and instead of thinking about her I thought about me, my feelings. It has though made me think about what my dream job would be and who I need to connect with to get that going.
I have in the past rolled my eyes and giggled at others dreams and lofty goals trying hard to detour any kind of relocation of feelings or friendships. I think the harder I tried to keep them close or in my thought process the further away they slipped away. Now that I have come to terms with where I stand in their life, it saddens me because it is not where it was and will never be again. It is both alarming and awakening to have wrestled with conflicting feelings and now see things as they are not as I want them to be.
The selfish part folds in because I see people that once played a significant role in my life now slowly disconnecting from me and establishing foundation elsewhere and getting closer to falling into a position that pull them out of nowhere into somewhere and being happy. I see myself toiling and jumping through hoops of fire just to end up back where I am now. I see great things happening and doors opening for this friend but I don't feel that for me. I am somewhat envious but also excited for her.
As she rushed to tell the news it dawned on me that the people she had met earlier this year and the activities she was getting involved in was setting her up to eventually do what she had wanted to do for quite some time. I wanted to tell her how silly it all was but I couldn't this time. I realized that people always throw down the sensible card and crash other peoples dreams. I had done that in the past but because of all the changes from January til now in my life; it was no longer my business to try to hold her down or back,
The selfish part was hoping to hear some dirt either about the company or boyfriend and when she went on and on about her new activities I encouraged her to follow the dream then left. I didn't open the door more for her to express anymore. I felt sad and instead of thinking about her I thought about me, my feelings. It has though made me think about what my dream job would be and who I need to connect with to get that going.